sporadicbull.

A colleague, departing from the office one day, turned and graced us with such a smile that its warmth and brilliance thrilled the hearts of all within its ambient radius. A recent text exchange brought up the examples of the “Mona Lisa” and “Chesire cat” smiles. (I think the Chesire cat is more of a grin – though it is difficult without context to differentiate between a smile and a grin, I digress) (A Mona Lisa smile is said to be enigmatic).

                                                                                                                                                               Sand stone carving circa 16th century of grinning Cheshire Cat, St. wilfrid’s Church.

A web search reveals a site containing pictures of 16 different ways to smile. Ranging from the the “Slow and Steady” (seen as authentic and flirtatious); the “come hither”  (think Lauren Bacall); the “genuine” or “Duchenne” smile:

to the “swooning” smile:

Combine the last two, add a dose of serious radience and you approach the one recently bestowed upon our office. Now, when the days are long or drabby or harsh one need only reflect upon that smile to be transported to a better place.

Obviously, imposing a false schedule to adhere to has not prevented us from failing to add to our blog on a daily basis. Perhaps spring time will be inspiring.
But, before we go, let us share with you a description of the illustrious environment at which the editors of this lackadaisical blog work.
The space is leased to a prestigious and nationally known law firm. It is, however, on a separate elevator bank. One cannot have that elite group of clients that patronize the firm coming into contact or mingling with the minions in our office.
Approximately 65 by 30 feet, the space is furnished with those temporary folding meeting tables, a handful of run down cast-off desks and office chairs that went out of use in the secretary stations 15 years ago. The carpet was new when the building opened 15-20 years ago. It has never been replaced. Criss-crossed with tape from tears or for holding down computer power cords and cabling it poses a safety hazard to the unwary or as is usually the norm – the listless. Occasionally it is cleaned – sort of like pushing the dirt from one place to another. Around the interior 3 walls are 8 feet tall steel shelves – most of which are empty. The wall color is said to be white but it is difficult to tell as the lighting fails to cast enough radiance. The window wall does offer light but the view is of a parking garage and besides we have been advised to keep the blinds down in order to prevent heat loss or incoming heat from the sun (depending upon season). It appears to be impossible for the room temperature to be maintained with any consistency.
Approximately 50 people work in this area, scattered about in a desultory and haphazard fashion. There is no privacy. To make or take a call one must go into the hall, seek the stairwell or the service elevator entrance. The peal of laughter or that of a chuckle is frequent – less so a harsh word. Surprising one would think given the environment, the work, and eminent lack of respect offered by the employer.

We have worked for more years than we care to remember – perhaps more years than we remember (check out Lumosity.com and they can help those with memory issues). From food service to pushing wheel barrows full of concrete to sandblasting toxic chemical storage sites, we have risen to the exalted heights of point and click decision making. A constant in every environment were our co-workers. A motley crew to be sure spanning the ones your mother warned you about to the one or two life long friends, lovers or spouses (not necessarily in that order).

Beginning today, the editors will attempt to discipline themselves and bring one story a day for the foreseeable future. Hopefully this will inspire us to put out additional material more suitable for contemplation by our respected audience. However, as our audience is made up of our co-workers we expect very little response as the vast majority are lost in their own personal nightmares.

Large law firms, each year in the fall, start a class of associates ranging from a few to a couple of dozen or more. All of these persons have little or no legal experience – at best, one or two have clerked for a judge and the rest usually participated in that rite of passage known as “Summer Associate.” Summer associates are known for their ability to accept large paychecks in return for appearing earnest. The best summer associate positions are with those firms having international offices such as London where the associates travel for a round of pub crawling and a spot of tea. The bane of each summer associates day is deciding which lunch invitation to accept.

At one such firm, thirty five summer associates were frolicking about on their own floor – peering into each others offices and engaging in polite banter about the superiority of their particular law school, undergraduate degree or yacht size. Into this romantic picture of privilege stepped one such person (as a sop to popular TV we will call him Sheldon) to throw a wet blanket on the joyous carefree days of his colleagues. Sheldon knew it all and was not at all hesitant to let his fellow summer associates bask in the aura of his brilliance. No matter the topic, torts, contracts, mergers, the price of coffee in Brazil, Sheldon was expert. Sheldon exalted his knowledge before his lesser colleagues regaling them with his lack of wit, boring pronouncements, exhausting stories about self and his overall superiority. The summer days stretched endlessly before his suffering audience.

As luck would have it though, Sheldon soon found himself assigned to a corporate tax partner having the amusing trait of collecting glass and crystal bird figurines and arranging same on shelves in his office giving rise to the perfect opportunity to bring down Sheldon. A fake internal memorandum was written – purporting to be from the partner – expressing concern over a particularly valuable piece of crystal depicting an owl which had gone missing from his collection. The “memo” found itself to Sheldon and was discussed by the group in his office. Where could it be? Who had removed it? Sheldon, of course, knew that it was one of those office janitors who had absconded with the relic.

On the following day, as Sheldon emerged from the elevator (fashionably 30 minutes late as was his wont) he was met by the group continuing to discuss the missing figurine. Accompanying Sheldon to his office, along with one of the group’s administrative assistants, it was discovered that atop his desk on the very “memo” (which shortly disappeared) was a smashed figurine bearing some resemblance to an owl. Consternation and panic ensued. Sheldon was vehement in his denials – me thinks he doth protest too much a common refrain – that he was innocent, what was he to do? It was smashed. He didn’t have the kind of money needed to replace it. Alas!

The group quickly dispersed to their respective offices putting up a front of “not my problem – yours” ignoring his plaintiff pleas, unseemly begging and the like. Hours later it emerged that the entire episode was a practical joke. Sheldon was irate. Days later he left, returning home and professing to have accepted a position at a prestigious NY firm. The group heaved a collective sigh of relief – one less competitor in the game of obtaining a full time position.

A magician’s creation? Medieval street in Hull, England? Yorkshire pastoral life turn of the 20th century? Perceive that which is around you and your place within it. Do so in a brutally honest fashion. Assess your roles, how they came to be. Your memory permits you to know you are. Without that memory you could not know. Now a choice – float away forever, continue to be a waiting room member or leap into the abyss. The Land of Green Ginger in Hull contains a hotel with the smallest window in England. Through it one can see an arrival but little more. Our own personal Land of Green Ginger displays far more; much choice and many opportunities. Most often though, we are like that little window unable to see more than one chance at a time. It is said that the people’s idea of the truth is what makes it possible to live in a society. Are you one with that? The group’s idea of choice? Or, can you be the magician and create your own Land.

Accompanying the above was an inter-active map of the U.S which purported to break down each state’s population by religious affinity.

Frightening, the lack of conscious thought behind the words.

The AP carried a story today concerning the awarding of a security contract in Nigeria to patrol that nation’s waterways and protect against pirates.  The contract, worth $103 million, was given to a company linked to a former anti-government insurgent, who had, before being granted amnesty, carried out attacks in the Niger River delta. When asked about the apparent conflict of interest a government official saw no problem with the contract.

“Even if it were to be owned by a militant, what offense has the militant committed in owning a business?” asked Ziakede Patrick Akpobolokemi, director-general of the Nigerian Maritime Administration and Safety Agency, which will partner with the private firm. “Here is a country where people have served prison terms and become heads of state or presidents. … When people say ‘ex-militant this,’ ‘ex-militant that,’ they should be mindful of their utterances.”

Think Halliburton.

A few years ago a young Peace Corps volunteer teaching English in some remote and far away venue was leafing through an English Dictionary slated to be awarded to a student who demonstrated a certain prowess in the language, an talent obviously lacking in this writer. The volunteer was shocked, shocked, I say! (we know the phrase is over used, but we like it, liked the movie, and it is particularly appropriate for Casablanca, a city composed of beautiful esplanades and not-so-beautiful bidonvilles, was the volunteer’s place of work. . . . Sorry, we digress). In any event, the volunteer was stunned to find extensive examples of English slang and vulgarities contained in the respectable tome. Reading on, the volunteer looked up the word “f—k” and found the appropriate definition therein (We couldn’t help using legalese, and in today’s legal environment, the use of the word f—k is heard ever more frequently when discussing opposing counsel and opposing counsel’s antics, thereby itself becoming legalese, but we digress again). Before proceeding any further with this amusing little story, let us explain that though our goal is to offend one and all, we are timorous when it comes to publishing the entire vulgarity, thus the dashes. We are not, after all, of that political party which is offensive in all things and in all ways. Can you say Etch-a-Sketch? (Sorry, we digress again.)
We are now to the amusing bit in the story. Following the definition of the word “f—k” were several examples, one of which was labeled “American usage with no meaning but for emphasis” and read (without the dashes) “I got my f—king foot f—king caught in the f—king chair, didn’t I?” Mind you, we agree that up until the comma, the editors of the dictionary are correct. Americans tend to extensively adjectivize (what a lovely Bushism!) their statements with “f—k.” But a question tag? Let us ask you, our hesitant readers, when have you used a question tag, or, perhaps, where would its use be appropriate? Once again, trust us, for we have the answer – 42. (No, no sorry, we digress).
Question tag use is particularly appropriate in the legal world. Think about a cross examination before a judge and jury: “Mr. Anderson, you hoodwinked Trinity, stole her trust, and abused her physically, didn’t you? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury – he is a scumbag, isn’t he? Your Honor will sentence him to 50 lashes, won’t you?” Really great usage – emphasis, confirmation, and kissing up. We must caution you to be careful in all other circumstances. To your associate, it’s not good to say, “I slept with your spouse, didn’t I?” Or, “We committed malpractice, didn’t we?” Or, “You are being indicted, aren’t you?” Nothing good comes from those comments – at least for you. Some other lawyer, of course, will benefit. That is the great thing about question tags. They suggest some issue or the need for confirmation, and you all know when someone does something wrong or needs something confirmed, lawyers benefit financially. Legal practice equals getting paid and/or rich from other peoples’ errors, need, or greed. Think on it. The next time you hear a question tag, look into it further to discover the underlying issue, and you just might find a rainbow. You are suing us, aren’t you?

Love the title. Comes with the registration. An example of self. Hear me, see me I am important.